Attention seeker

Warning: Another philosophical post. Apologies to people who think its hogwash, but I tend to get very philosophical when I'm involved in anything related to dance or drama..

I have realized that almost 90% of my decisions are based on what other people think. What they think about me and what they think about what I am about to do. I play for an audience. Always. When that realization hits, it hurts. It makes me feel so shallow and empty. I have a deep-rooted belief that successful people just did what they felt like, without caring what others thought of them, and they achieved success because of their belief in themselves. And here I am, filled with nothing but doubts.

Earlier, I wanted to become a dancer. I mistook this for my passion. I thought I really wanted to learn dance. But when I looked inside, I realized I only wanted to learn it to become famous. Or to get appreciation from people, that yes, you dance well. It had very little to do with my own satisfaction. Now, I want to become a writer. And, every day I check the stats of this blog. When the no. of hits drops below 20, I lose heart. I don't feel like writing for the next 2 days. Why is everything so dependent on the outside world? Why am I unable to listen to my own heart? Why can't I untiringly just do what I enjoy doing the most?

It takes considerable effort to peep inside and listen to your heart. Maybe writing everyday helps, maybe meditation helps. I need to listen, with a stethoscope probably, or else I'm afraid I'll just waste this life trying to please everybody else but myself.