The red pill

Is it my hyper active imagination that I believe that I am "the one" for some people to be rescued from some matrix? I always feel that I am not meant to be just sitting at a computer typing away to glory.
Ok so that part is done, I've figured out that something is wrong..
Now I've got the blue pill and the red pill in front of me.
I think i am in the midst of swallowing the blue pill. Or maybe I have already swallowed it and I finished meeting the Oracle.
Suddenly I've got huge doubts about myself. I think I am not "The One" because I am waiting for something. What am I waiting for? This uncertainity, this time period between consuming the pill and stopping the bullets, it is too unsure a time..
It's scary and it almost feels safe to give up and go back to tickity takcity typing away at my keyboard in my plush office where I can grow fat without a care in nice AC and suffer from stomach upsets occasionally.
But someday I know that I'll regret that.. This opening of the prison gate, its not a one second leap of freedom.. It opens gradually.. The more light you see, the more you feel like retreating back into the darkness.. Can you imagine a bird backing into its own cage for a second before it flies off into the blue sky?
So even though my status message says that I'd rather take the red pill, I think it's decision time.. Blue pill it is!

Friends...

I stand alone looking inside..
See a bunch of cool kids hanging out,
Laughing together, slapping hi fi's,
And I stand alone wondering,
Will I ever have that??

A secret shared here,
A shoulder offered there,
Truths hidden so carefully,
Such pains to understand one another,

And I find myself amidst a group,
Of friends grown mature with me,
Our secrets safe with each other,
A look enough to see into each other's hearts,

Long chats in the warmth of our beds,
Teasing each other about crushes,
Predicting each other's rosy futures,
Not to forget, the famous hi fi's,

Life couldnt get better I thought,
As I opened my eyes tearful with laughter,
I saw that you had got married,
And you had gone to UK for a job,
And you had gone to the US for further studies,
And you had got married,

Deadlines, assignments,
home, office,
in the midst of this we barely keep in touch,

When I need you, I think,
Why arent you here?
Do you feel that I dont need you anymore?
Do you think that I can replace you?
Do you think I can make do without you?

I cant..
And I know somewhere that you are lonely too,
Just like me,
Hence I am reaching out to you,
Just give me a few mins of your time,

No matter how old we grow,
We all will need each other,
Let's not grow old alone,
What we have, very few people get,

It's almost impossible to make such a close friendship again,
The innocence of youth no longer a cement to bond,
Sister, soul mate, please sign this treaty,
that you'll always be with me..

Yoga

Outside yoga: "Yoga is like a prayer from the entire body. It does to your body what meditation does to your mind. Yoga is AWESOME! You should definitely try it out.. It will take care of right away!! "

Inside yoga class: "Damn this minute hand. Why cant it move any faster? Which genius decided that an hour should have 60 mins? It should be more like 15 mins.. " Interrupted by my teacher coming and twisting my already twisted ankle further till I can no longer feel anything waist down... "Argghhh, why do I put myself through this torture every week!!"

So, when does the transformation happen? Certainly not the moment I step outside class when my legs are still wobbling and I am walking like a new born puppy towards my bike, barely managing to reach it just in time before I topple on to it.. But you know what yoga does to you? It's like an awakening..

Have you ever got the feeling that you were sleeping till something came and woke you up? Your whole perspective changes.. That's how yoga works. Once you've done yoga, you always sit a little straighter, stand a little taller, shoulders back, chest open, feet on their outer edge (that's for people with flat feet) Yoga is a way of life. The best part is, when you are done with yoga, you feel so great that you want to do it all over again. It's like taking alcohol for the kick. You gotta drink that bitter foul tasting liquid but when the kick comes, its heaven.

Believe me, the kick that you get after yoga hits you is way better than anything else.. ;) So I urge all my readers to go yoga! Yoga rox!

Rahmaniac - me too!

A: "Hey, we're going to Rahman concert, wanna come? Ticket is for 1000 bux"

Me: "Umm yeah sure.. "

A: "Cool its on coming sunday, see you"

Me: (already lost interest in the conv) "Yup"

Cut to the day of the concert

A (another A, a total Rahmaniac): "Let's reach there at 3, the gates are going to open at 3:30"

Me: "When is the concert starting?"

A: "7 o clock"

Me: "Mag itkya laukar kay zhadu marayla zaycha ka?"

Since I had no idea where exactly we were supposed to go, I had to go along with A (the crazy one) and another friend. I still dilly dallied, made the poor souls wait for me in the sun and managed to reach the venue at 3:15. We parked our bikes, and realized that we needed to walk at least a kilometer to find our line of "1000 bux". The line was like a mile long. Other "Rahmaniacs" had reached wayyy before and there was a snaking line like the one outside Siddhivinayak temple. A looked at me with a sad face and said "we are late." I felt bad. Really.

At 3:30 they started another line at the 1000 rupees gate and we rushed to join that line. By some stroke of dumb luck, i had decided to carry my jacket along. In this new line, we were around 50th... 3:30 turned to 4 excruciatingly slow. If I used the jacket for shade, there wud be no wind and i'd be sweating profusely. If not, then i'd be squinting against the sun, trying not to get a headache..

They finally let us through at 4:15. At this point A started running inside to catch seats in the first row of 1000 bux.. I was hoping there arent others like him coz it would have definitely started a stampede. We reached inside to see another gate where we were informed that we would be left in after 6:30.. There was no shade, no water, nothing they just expected us to stand in a straight line in the freaking hot sun for an hour and a half till they felt like letting us in..

I dont know what made them change their mind. They started letting us in after some time. We walked in hoping and praying for a covered stadium. Instead what do we see.. There was no shade whatsoever, it was an open air auditiorium. There was a ridiculously high fence in front of the 1000 rupees section which blocked all view of the stage and the big screen unless you sat extremely straight as if there is a metal rod in your back.

Anyway we caught the seats and waited around for the sun to go down. I was simply cursing myself for agreeing to this crazy ride. I was not even a big Rahman fan. (pay attention to the was..) Sleep deprivation was making me even more cranky and I was just wondering why the hell was it bloody summer when the sun would be up till 7pm practically. After borrowing my friend's sunglasses, I slipped into a fitful sleep interrupted ocassionally by the loud laughter of the group sitting behind us. I swear, they were continuously talking. As if they simply couldnt shut up.

We were sitting idle for about 3 hours and my friend felt like going to the loo just as the concert started. The ground was a live example of a japanese garden where there were many "levels" to add to the beauty of the ground (wtf!) It was so weird that it took us 10 mins to go to the loo that was right in front of us.. Anyway, we made it back to our seats just as Rahman came up on stage. At that moment, the magic started...

Uptil this point, I was cursing the organizers for not caring a damn about the audience and making us wait in the hot sun for almost 3 hours. Once the show started, I just forgot it all. The waiting, the sun, my lost sleep, my non-Rahmanmania everything..

Rahman came up on stage in a transparent lift that rose from the ground.. And everybody went wild.. Obviously there were many other singers apart from Rahman.. It wasnt about seeing Rahman on stage.. It was coming to terms with the fact that Rahman means music. When I came out of that concert, I felt like music had become a part of me. Not just his music, all music.. It wasnt just noise falling on my ears, it was something that made a direct connection to my heart.

Hariharan and Sadhna Sargam gave a beautiful rendition of Roja.. I couldnt believe I was screaming the words along with Hariharan.. After a point I just shut up coz he was singing so unbelievably well. This was followed by the rocking Delhi 6 number. It was at this point that I noticed the awesome graphics on the stage. There was a huge panel on the screen at a higher level and the graphics were continuously manipulated according to each song.. For Delhi 6 they had left alternating panels off, with the others showing D - E - L - H - I - 6.. The stage lighting was brilliant and obviously being changed according to the mood of the songs.

Among other memorable performances was Masakali by Raja Hasan. He is very talented and I hope he develops his own style soon so that he can become extremely successful. He just stole my heart with Masakali. Dreams on Fire was sung beautifully and the singer took an opera style high pitch that made us wonder if our glasses wil break.. Jokes apart, I had a lump in my throat when she finished, it was simply too beautiful..

Rahmania started all over again when Rahman came up on stage, this time standing on top of the lift which initially got him up. "Dil se re..." it really was.. He also sang a rocking Tamil song in which he kept going "Habibi" in between. Does anybody know which song this is? The best best best part of the entire concert was when Rahman looked at Hariharan and said "Its all about music, isnt it? Let's make music" and got behind his grand piano.. The big screen showed us his hands and their reflection playing amazing melodies. After a bit of Jugalbandi, Hariharan sang some song (dammit i dont remember) and then Roopkumar Rathod sang my most most most favorite song.. "Khamosh raat, sehmi havaaa tanha tanha dil apna.. " Ooooh I just went right back to the concert.

There was a young hot girl who was singing really well but I have no idea why she wasnt introduced on stage. She was the only singer who was dancing along with singing.. And dancing so well! Her belly dance had me screaming as she sung Mayya Mayya.. The idiot with the camera wasnt focussing on her. By chance towards the end of the song, she came in front of the camera and I saw her last few belly dance moves.. Totally totally awesome.. Another good performance was when a piece started with remix version of Taal. Just as people started cheering and clapping, the song smoothly transitioned into Ringa Ringa.. I simple couldnt believe my ears.. There was also a DJ piece where one line of many of Rahman's songs were all remixed together.. Damn cool!

The free hugs campaign song had me gaping in awe as the video of the song and Rahman's performance were in complete sync.. Jiya se jiya!

Rahman then obliged us by sitting near his harmonium and singing "Khwaja mere khwaja" and "Maula maula" for us.. It felt heavenly just listening to him but the best part was that I could feel his devotion as he sang. Devotion to God and to music. Last was of course Jai Ho.. Or so we thought.. I felt a strange pleasure in looking at him and screaming every Jai Ho. I caught almost all the Jai Ho's. And I genuinely wished ki Rahman ki Jai Ho.... Rahman did so much for us! He sang, came on top of a lift, played the grand piano, played the harmonium!

The show ended with a thousand fireworks and Vande Mataram.. So as we can all conclude at the end of this post.. I am a Rahmaniac now.. I actually actually screamed at the end of the concert a la Michael Jackson's fans type "RAHMAN WE LOVE YOU!!!" I was extremely tempted to tear open my clothes but I resisted the temptation since Rahman had already gone off stage..

So, in case you are wondering about the smug look on my face these days, its jsut that "I went to A R Rahman's concert! Jai Ho :D :D :D "

First impressions

My first impression is always wrong. There have been so many instances when I've judged a person just by looking at them. It can be something as ridiculous as their skin color, to their mastery over english, to their expressions. something so trivial can totally bias my opinion towards a person. without even being formally introduced to that person.

Susan's story is going all around, who got laughed at for looking funny. But once she opened her mouth to sing, everybody became a fan. Someone had rightly pointed out in a comment on this story that if she sung bad, were people right in ridiculing her?

Why dont we give people a chance? Are we too busy trying to boost our self esteem by convincing ourselves that we have no threat from the person in front of us coz he or she is less than us in this particular way? Money, caste, gender, god knows what all yardsticks we use to make sure that we are always superior.

One smile. One genuine question. That can make all the difference. Somewhere we should accept that people who may seem less than us in one way are most probably way better than us at something else. A seemingly timid woman might be great at shares, seemingly catty girl in gym class might have the friendliest smile ever, you can just never predict these things.

So my advice to myself is, dont judge. No matter how different from you, never judge anybody. It is rewarding to first see positives in someone and then mostly the negatives rarely affect you. Someone rightly said, if you understand people, it is difficult to hate them.

Gray..

I've got a big paintbrush. I've got a huge canvas.
But I've got just one color in my hand. Gray.
I hate that color. But that's all I have.. People are busy filling up their canvases, sometimes red, sometimes blue.. And all I've got is gray.
I am such a faker.. Everytime someone passes , I show them my 24 case color box..
Oh yeah, I have ALL the colors! I show them the tops of my empty bottles with the name of the colors written on it.. The second time they pass, I still haven't got any new colors on my canvas..
People now know that i am too afraid to try out other colors.
I'm wondering if i'll ruin my canvas irreversibly..

God, I need to throw away this gray paint.. Buy new paints, open the bottles..
Where's the currency of my courage??

Woh Chaar Din

Ok so the title is a bit corny. But you know what I'm talking about.
Although I've cribbed about it in the recent past, I feel like talking about it right now.
So what do we go through in those 4 days? Inexplicable pain in the lower abdomen, lots of bleeding... body bloats up, lotsa pimples.. all this is visible. Its there for everyone to see.
But what's going on inside us?
Even though we are good at expressing our feelings, we somehow do manage to bottle up some. Girls care way too much about silly things like not being helped, not taken care of, not given importance ;) And no matter how much we express, some small residue always remains. Maybe because we cant put our fingers on why we're still feeling bad or maybe its too silly to speak out. But period is the time, when sab chalta hai! You can crib about your best friend ditching you for her boyfriend, fret about your boyfriend never getting you any useful gifts, complain about your inlaws.. Everything is allowed! And it so helps to clear out the system! I mean I always cry at least once during those 4 days. And though its usually for really silly reasons, I just feel so cleansed at the end of it. I feel like I can start all over again. That whatever I had thought was hopeless, can be worked on, improved, finished! Its just a natural ebb and flow of courage, passion, negativity and pain.. That's not to say that I am still not fighting with God about why he gave periods only to women :P But yeah, maybe I'm beginning to see the little bit of logic that might have been there to it..
So as they say in that cheesy ad, have a happy period!
Actually I'd say, have a crappy period! Coz the crappier it is, the better it feels when its finally over! :D