First impressions

My first impression is always wrong. There have been so many instances when I've judged a person just by looking at them. It can be something as ridiculous as their skin color, to their mastery over english, to their expressions. something so trivial can totally bias my opinion towards a person. without even being formally introduced to that person.

Susan's story is going all around, who got laughed at for looking funny. But once she opened her mouth to sing, everybody became a fan. Someone had rightly pointed out in a comment on this story that if she sung bad, were people right in ridiculing her?

Why dont we give people a chance? Are we too busy trying to boost our self esteem by convincing ourselves that we have no threat from the person in front of us coz he or she is less than us in this particular way? Money, caste, gender, god knows what all yardsticks we use to make sure that we are always superior.

One smile. One genuine question. That can make all the difference. Somewhere we should accept that people who may seem less than us in one way are most probably way better than us at something else. A seemingly timid woman might be great at shares, seemingly catty girl in gym class might have the friendliest smile ever, you can just never predict these things.

So my advice to myself is, dont judge. No matter how different from you, never judge anybody. It is rewarding to first see positives in someone and then mostly the negatives rarely affect you. Someone rightly said, if you understand people, it is difficult to hate them.

Gray..

I've got a big paintbrush. I've got a huge canvas.
But I've got just one color in my hand. Gray.
I hate that color. But that's all I have.. People are busy filling up their canvases, sometimes red, sometimes blue.. And all I've got is gray.
I am such a faker.. Everytime someone passes , I show them my 24 case color box..
Oh yeah, I have ALL the colors! I show them the tops of my empty bottles with the name of the colors written on it.. The second time they pass, I still haven't got any new colors on my canvas..
People now know that i am too afraid to try out other colors.
I'm wondering if i'll ruin my canvas irreversibly..

God, I need to throw away this gray paint.. Buy new paints, open the bottles..
Where's the currency of my courage??

Woh Chaar Din

Ok so the title is a bit corny. But you know what I'm talking about.
Although I've cribbed about it in the recent past, I feel like talking about it right now.
So what do we go through in those 4 days? Inexplicable pain in the lower abdomen, lots of bleeding... body bloats up, lotsa pimples.. all this is visible. Its there for everyone to see.
But what's going on inside us?
Even though we are good at expressing our feelings, we somehow do manage to bottle up some. Girls care way too much about silly things like not being helped, not taken care of, not given importance ;) And no matter how much we express, some small residue always remains. Maybe because we cant put our fingers on why we're still feeling bad or maybe its too silly to speak out. But period is the time, when sab chalta hai! You can crib about your best friend ditching you for her boyfriend, fret about your boyfriend never getting you any useful gifts, complain about your inlaws.. Everything is allowed! And it so helps to clear out the system! I mean I always cry at least once during those 4 days. And though its usually for really silly reasons, I just feel so cleansed at the end of it. I feel like I can start all over again. That whatever I had thought was hopeless, can be worked on, improved, finished! Its just a natural ebb and flow of courage, passion, negativity and pain.. That's not to say that I am still not fighting with God about why he gave periods only to women :P But yeah, maybe I'm beginning to see the little bit of logic that might have been there to it..
So as they say in that cheesy ad, have a happy period!
Actually I'd say, have a crappy period! Coz the crappier it is, the better it feels when its finally over! :D

Randomness

So, is there a point to this post? Just to discuss how much i love random.

Routine bores me. To death. Although, the strangest part is, when i find something new, I want to set a routine to it. Getting a pedicure - once every week? every 2 weeks? as soon as I set the routine, i never stick to it. Coz its become too routine..

I cant go to the office at the same time everyday. I cant eat only one kind of vegetable during meals. I get bored of the same thing happening for more than 5 mins. I keep craving random all the time. I want a random job, random work timings. Go to work, dont go, who cares? If only the world followed my impulses. Going off to a cruise to Lakshadweep instead of reporting to work one day. Sit and wash clothes instead of that long awaited movie on another day. Learn guitar instead of going to dance class the third day.

The idea of a rotating job never ceases to excite me. Just imagine if we could all rotate jobs. One day be a waiter, the other day an accountant, the third day a model! How cool would that be? But then would that become a routine too? Will I crave for a set job?

How about if nature decides to play random with me? Takes away my family, burns down my house? Will I love random so much then? Its a dangerous game, this playing with random and craving it. I think everythign in this lifetime is pseudo random. You think you are being random by jumping careers from a software professional to an event manager?? Gloat all you want, but routine is gonna catch up on you pretty quick.

So in this eternal fight between routine v/s random, who do you think should win?

Home

Home.

There are so many thoughts about this one word running through my head that I am unable to figure out how to put them all down without making a mess of it.

Home. This word means different things to different people. Is there something called a home? Actually its just a place. A home is only someone's belonging. A place becomes a home when someone inhabits it. So, what all makes up a home? For some people, its the presence of their family that makes a place feel like home. For others, its the place that they grew up in. Memories of childhood, favorite hangout places... In the evening, when we see birds flying, why do we say they are heading towards "home"?

What about people who've grown up away from their motherland. Where their language is spoken, where their relatives are living... What land do they call their home? I have grown up in Dubai. I used to visit Pune during vacations. I never really connected to Pune those years but I didnt connect with Dubai either. I was missing something. I couldnt speak my language with people outside my small family, I didnt have cousins to play with.. I had a huge identity crisis. Then I shifted base to Pune for engineering. I was frequently asked the same question over and over again. "Which do you like better? Pune or Dubai?" In the beginning I had no answer. But slowly I developed a bond with Pune.

In Dubai, even though I went to an Indian school, I could not relate to a single one of my classmates. By chance if I found a Maharastrian friend, I would cling on to her with dear life. So I guess what did it for me was language. Relatives were those uncle aunties with whom I could be myself. I had grandparents here who would welcome and feed me any time of the day. I had found my home. At least I had found myself. But I was still to find my home. That corner in the world which I could proudly say was mine and mine alone. Where I could spend hours musing, wondering, planning my future...

When we finally bought our own house in Dahanukar colony, I had to share a room with my brother. But I made use of that 1 month he wasn't here to claim space. Put my own wallpaper on the computer, kabza karofied one shelf of the books cupboard to keep my salwar kameez... Totally forgot my absolutely useless pink curtains. Trying so desperately to make my room my home.

So now, till a few days back, I used to say "Pune of course, I hate Dubai!". With a lot of pride in my voice. I've come back to Dubai my vacation. And it doesn't feel so bad. I am still proud of the excellent infrastructure, the awe inspiring architecture.. This couldn't be my home. But it wasn't hell either. My school is here. That is a fact which does not make me like this place any more than I used to. But there are other small hidden things in this place.. Which I can never forget.. The creek, the beach, the cats... Long walks with my parents, garbage disposal bins, greeting Arabs... This country has housed me. It has given me a metropolitan outlook. I don't discriminate based on caste or state.. I think that's pretty darned good for a place.. I don't hate Dubai anymore. I have made my peace with it..

The only thing missing is my family.

Cant wait for the day my Dad comes back to Pune and finally admits... That this is where his home is..

Leap of faith

I am so confused right now.. For a long time, I have been doing what "I'm supposed" to be doing rather than what I feel like. Working in this job, applying for MS. I feel like just grabbing a few crayons and running amok with them inside my house, coloring the whole house like a retard.. My life is too restricted.. I just feel like leaving all this and running away. Worst part is, I don't know what I want to run to. Am I hating this job because I hate what I'm doing? Or is it that it takes up too much time? If its the latter, I don't think I'll be happy in any job. But what if I'm doing what I like doing? Then I might not feel bad spending time on my job. The problem is, I don't know what I want. There are people laughing at me for not following my heart, ridiculing me because I'm doing this to myself.. I don't know what's right anymore. 

When I choose what I want, what if I get bored with it? What if there is no money in it? Lots of traveling? Hours that stop me from having any kind of social life? Will I look back at this job and feel like coming back? I just don't know what I want from my life. Do I want to exercise my creativity? Do I want fame? What am I willing to lose for it? Since when did life become so hard? Am I being too idealistic? Should I just bury all this and stick to my job and go for my MS? But I am not happy. I don't know the reason for my unhappiness. This is how I've worked all my life. If I'm unhappy, I find the reason. That's the half the battle won. And then I do everything I can to get rid of it. People, clothes, books... whatever it is, no matter how much the sentimental value. Why cant I find a solution to this? I am ready to leap. I just don't know how far and into what.

Matheran trip

"Better carry your warmest sweaters and shawls... Its a HILL STATION... It'll be way more cold than Pune... Why do we need an AC room... ? "

These were the snippets of conversations that were taking place as we were planning our Matheran trip. With bags loaded upto bursting point with blankets and jackets, we caught the early morning train to Neral from Shivaji Nagar station. Taking video shootings of trains going past and hollering in the tunnels as our train sped through them were just a few of the crazy things we sleep deprived maniacs thought of. After feasting on omlettes n cuttlets with great music for company (courtersy AirWind's speakers and power output of first class train compartment!), we finally reached Neral.

Unfortunately for us, we couldn't get tickets for the toy train to Matheran. Hence we hired a van to take us. A short drive awaited us during which I was sure I was going to fall out of the window of the van as I sat on my friend's lap for lack of space. (Yeah yeah I know I wouldnt have fit through that window, but still!!) We reached Matheran and we are bombarded by people from all directions to hire a horse or a coolie for our luggage. We shook them off with a smug expression and a haughty look saying "We'll walk it." If I remember well, one of my friends gave a a threat of physical danger to those guys harrasing us to take a horse. 5 mins with our really light bags in the wonderfully cold weather of Matheran and we were panting like donkeys carrying 10 times their weight. We started looking back longingly the way we had come, hoping we'll see some signs of those horse walas.

Mercifully we caught one guy with 2 ponies. Me and Saya were chosen for the dangerous mission of carrying the heaviest bags and sitting atop the horses. That was the first time I was sitting on the horse and all I remember of that trip was my involuntary head banging and my fingers turning white because I was holding on to the saddle for dear life. In the midst of this life threatening journey, our lovely friends decided to stop for wine where in our horses started getting troubled by flies and threatened to start running around if we didnt get moving again. Although we were on horses, and the others were on foot, I cant sympathize much with them because the mental strain that I had to go through was much more intolerable than any physical strain that I might have faced. ;) Our ordeal got over soon enough and we finally reach Byke resort. After much discussion we chose our cottage which was a charming condo having a bedroom upstairs. Surprise! We actually used the AC throughout our entire journey! I mean, bless the person who thought of getting AC rooms. Hill station my ass, Pune was 10 degress colder than Matheran. And oh yeah, my cough which was not going away for a month finally got cured. Some use of the horribly hot Matheran weather!

That day we just chilled out at the resort. "Non-veg toh nahi milega" with some gujrati word added at the end ensured us that we're going to get total Gujrati style thali. The food was excellent and I think we all gained at least a kilo or two. Oh, but the weather and the jacuzzi ordeal made us lose more I'm sure. As it was dark by now and no one was in the mood to go out, we ended up playing catch in the swimming pool. An unsuccessful attempt to thrown Anup into the pool was followed by kicking AirWind out of it as he was shivering to death. With playful monkeys to keep us company and a chalta firta teddy bear Yohaan (not you Motu!) we had a great evening. Finally after dinner, it was time to get out the drinks. After 2 medium vodka pegs bottoms up, I apparently couldnt walk in a straight line. Throwing my chappal at anyone who spoke crap seemed like the most attractive option, hence I asked for my chappals to be hidden away. Thus separated from my weapon, I invented the famous "I hit you with sock!" attack. Anybody who spoke crap witnessed a lightning quick removal of my one sock, getting hit by it several times and by the time they realized what hit them, it was back on my leg. :D Priceless expressions I tell you. The kick made me fall off to sleep and miss the most interesting part of the night. Pyromaniacs with deo and flames were lighting up the night and waking up the town by screaming (Saya: "leave my hand!!", Sangeeta: "Anup come back!!!", Anup: "Can laamb dhar baulat!!")

The day probably ended with everyone huddling up in the warm blankets provided by the resort and going off to sleep in the comfortable hum of the AC. The next day we decided to "explore" Matheran. Battling against various gastronomic disorders, we set off on our better-forgotten journey of exploring Matheran. As we decided to walk it, we also had to battle lots of red sand and hot sun. Though it was tiring, there were some high points. And I just mean altitude wise.. We visited Lord's point, Charlotte Lake and Echo Point. At Echo Point, a monkey's memory will be forever changed as AirWind the great waved at him. The monkey popped its mouth open and ran off into the stream of obnoxious oncoming schoolgirls who was then pelted by stones.. I'm sure he was running to get his autograph book. Poor monkey...

We finally headed back and with some persuasion everybody was asked to bathe and freshen up. The only reason we got up was lunch I believe. A short nap later, we all rented horses to see the sunset at Sunset Point. As we set off in pairs, it was a most scary ride with patches where there was only 2 of us, the horse wala and our horses. Plus it was getting dark really fast. As we reached there we found out that the sun had given us a nice thenga and disappeared even before we'd reached. We then just explored the point and left as it was getting too dark. The ride back was somehow soothing as all of us were traveling together. AirWind's horse made it's owner proud by behaving like the wind. It felt like running behind every girl horse it saw and at once showed his grace by rearing up on 2 feet. AirWind was then asked to shift from the horse's bum back onto its saddle without touching his feet to the horse's stomach.. In all, a horse ride he won't forget in a hurry. We were dropped off near the market where we started shopping for chappals and purses. After collecting gifts for all we'd promised, we made our way back to the resort to avail the jacuzzi facility of the resort.

The jacuzzi ordeal was the most terrible of encounters as we almost passed out inside. The water was too hot and anything touching it was instantly turning red. AirWind finally figured out why his mother called him her "laal". Some of us took ten minutes just to adjust to the temperature but when we did it felt great. The floating sensation was just awesome and the warm water was soothing (though it was still turning our skin red) The caretaker offered us 15 mins for 200 bux but we fought with him for half an hour. I dont know what he did but we ran out in exactly fifteen minutes. There was no bloody exhaust and 4 people were dangerously close to passing out. Would've been extremely enjoyable if the last part hadnt happened. Again we headed back to our rooms and changed for dinner. Dinner as usual was great and was followed by a most enjoyable visit to the resort's disc. We all went in tracks and pyjamas and Sangeeta's white pyjama was glowing in the uv lights. Only 6 of us were dancing and all uncle aunties were watching. We had a Dharmendra, a Nagina and a Sapera, a Britney Spears (Saya ;)) a doped out head banger (2 actually, thanks Air Wind for the company ;) ) and a Michael Jackson on the dance floor! After thoroughly entertaining the uncle aunties and ourselves, we headed back to our rooms for some more pyromania.

The next morning dawned with the thought of travelling on those dreaded horses again. The party split and 4 of us had to go walking quite a bit for tickets from Neral. We left the hotel with grace and dignity (a minute away from being physically thrown out for being 2 hours late for check out!) and made our way to the market for lunch.. After buying really low quality chappals (mine have broken after 1 use), we all had lunch. At this point the party split again and 2 people stood in line for tickets for toy train while 4 went back to the resort for our luggage. It seems they didnt have to ride horses at all as they caught human ridden carts (dont know what else to call them :P) After quick thinking and dhakka bukki we finally got tickets for toy train from Matheran to Neral.

While coming back we had to switch multiple trains. We got down from the toy train and crossed platforms on the tracks (first time in my life!) It was a bit funny with all of us trying to clamber fast with our heavy luggage (as some people had mistakenly thought it was a 3 weeks journey instead of 3 days) We left the local at Karjat and then caught Konark express. As evening was dawning we were getting closer and closer to home and that started depressing us all. I guess the only reason we all didnt burst out crying (ok that was just me) was because there are hopefully many more trips like this to look forward to... :D