I am so confused right now.. For a long time, I have been doing what "I'm supposed" to be doing rather than what I feel like. Working in this job, applying for MS. I feel like just grabbing a few crayons and running amok with them inside my house, coloring the whole house like a retard.. My life is too restricted.. I just feel like leaving all this and running away. Worst part is, I don't know what I want to run to. Am I hating this job because I hate what I'm doing? Or is it that it takes up too much time? If its the latter, I don't think I'll be happy in any job. But what if I'm doing what I like doing? Then I might not feel bad spending time on my job. The problem is, I don't know what I want. There are people laughing at me for not following my heart, ridiculing me because I'm doing this to myself.. I don't know what's right anymore.
When I choose what I want, what if I get bored with it? What if there is no money in it? Lots of traveling? Hours that stop me from having any kind of social life? Will I look back at this job and feel like coming back? I just don't know what I want from my life. Do I want to exercise my creativity? Do I want fame? What am I willing to lose for it? Since when did life become so hard? Am I being too idealistic? Should I just bury all this and stick to my job and go for my MS? But I am not happy. I don't know the reason for my unhappiness. This is how I've worked all my life. If I'm unhappy, I find the reason. That's the half the battle won. And then I do everything I can to get rid of it. People, clothes, books... whatever it is, no matter how much the sentimental value. Why cant I find a solution to this? I am ready to leap. I just don't know how far and into what.